Good morning, friends. Remember how I shared with you all that I was splitting up with my old flame, Mr. Coffee? Well, I'm pleased to announce that we have had no illicit hook-ups since last weekend. He just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I changed my address and forwarded all his mail. It wasn't even as hard as I thought it would be (I did not actually have to rename yesterday's Daily Byte "Withdrawal Wednesday"), and that little triumph over adversity definitely came with a self-efficacy boost.
However, there was a string attached. As it turns out, I wasn't just breaking off a damaging, dependent relationship with Caffeine, but also with his self-worth sucking buddy, Scarcity.
Who, or what is Scarcity? Psychology experts, like Brene Brown (that's her quote below) have literally written volumes on the subject. For me, it's the relentless black hole we carry around within us that constantly tells us we don't have ENOUGH - enough money, enough energy, and especially enough TIME in our day and in our life, and even worse that we aren't enough - not thin enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, generous enough...Now do you recognize him? This guy is a little harder to part from. He just doesn't want to let go. I think maybe he realizes that if I don't believe in him, he won't exist...
If this is all a little existential for you, I apologize, but when I started this business, I wanted my clients to know that while, yes, I am a credentialed health and nutrition professional, I am also a fellow human being, on my own journey, learning to love myself and to be real about my vulnerabilities. I want you to know that "I've been there. I am there, right there with you. My hope is that together, we can stand up to the culture of never enough, and have the courage to really become well.
Giving up coffee has really meant giving up the tenacious illusion of scarcity. I found that I was always trying to stay ahead of the fatigue. I always had to feel like I was "winning" at life. Well, let me tell you from experience, that is a great way to set one's self up for crushing disappointment because if you have't noticed, life, and here I mean like not real life, but that kind of fake life we all lead where we try to do it all and please everyone and look like we have it all together (ah, the irony of striving to start up an online wellness site)...Well, that charade just plain sucks...and it's absolutely exhausting, and it was making me feel fraudulent...Once I began to see this, I couldn't un-see it. This way of life of constantly pushing myself a little further, of digging a little deeper than is really good for me, well, I just can't do it anymore. I won't. Learning no say "No" to that internal voice is a process, and I'm allowing myself to take baby steps, but little by little, I'm finding that the more I can let go of needing to feel in control, the more genuinely joyful and exuberant, the more alive, I truly feel.
With that being said, as I continue to seek a sense of balance and to keep myself well and whole enough to actually be able to be fully here for you as a coach, and also for my family, and darn it, for me...I am hoping that you will understand my need now need to cut back on the frequency and volume of my Daily Byte/Blog posts. And if you don't, well that's your problem. I urge you to look into it. Damn, that felt good.
Blessings.
Amy